Are you your own worst critic?
It’s time to stop beating yourself up ~ read more
N married her high school sweetheart and heard from all her friends and family that she was the luckiest girl in the world. He made a good living, they had two great children together, and life appeared to be a fairytale. Then, she learned about all the prostitutes—many prostitutes for many years. She blames herself for her husband’s transgressions—partly because he tells her that everything is her fault, and partly because she is inclined to assume she isn’t good enough in any way. She finds herself questioning whether it would have happened if she was prettier, skinnier, more fun, etc.
Despite good grades and a well-rounded application, J is convinced that she will not be accepted into any of her top choice colleges. So, she lowers her (already reasonable) expectations and applies to different schools. When five schools accept her, she declares that she got lucky; when one denies her admission, it is because she is “too stupid.” She interprets many events in her life in this skewed way—giving herself no credit for anything positive, and blaming herself for anything negative—constantly reinforcing her low self-esteem.
Nobody likes everything about themself all of the time. But, you should be able to see many good things about yourself most of the time. If your self-esteem is consistently low, you may judge yourself harshly in your appearance, abilities, personality traits, and other qualities. As a result, it may be difficult for you to find happiness and contentment in your life. Low self-esteem may impact your confidence and self-presentation, both socially and professionally, negatively influencing relationships and opportunities.
Here is an idea to start boosting your self-esteem:
The Two-Column Technique
Make two columns on a piece of paper, computer, phone … whatever works for youLabel the left column “Negative Thoughts” and the right column “Logical Thoughts”Under Negative Thoughts, list some of the critical things you say to yourself that bring down your self-esteem (e.g., I can’t do anything, I’m fat, nobody likes me … .)Under Logical Thoughts, write down a balanced, objective alternative to the thought on the left (e.g., I did a great job on my project at work, I’m a good parent, I have strong legs, I always get compliments on my eyes, I’m a fast runner, my friend just invited me to lunch … .) If you have trouble coming up with these things, think about what you would say to your friend if she/he said the statement on the left side. You would probably be sincere and positive with your friend, and you should do the same with yourself.When you start to think the negative things and feel badly about yourself, read through the list on the right side of the page a few times. You won’t believe all of the statements right away (because you have probably been practicing believing the other thoughts for a long time), but you will break the cycle of negative thinking, and start teaching yourself to think in a more realistic, balanced, and positive way.
Are you your own worst critic? It’s time to stop beating yourself up ~ read more
Ageing, break-ups ~ adjusting to new situations with your self-esteem intact
Some life changes can be even more difficult if they impact the way you see yourself. Getting older is a perfect example, especially for women. When the societal standard of beauty and value revolves around youth, ageing can seriously threaten self-esteem. Ideally, the cultural definition of beauty will continue to evolve and become more inclusive. But, in the meantime, you may need to focus on revising your own definition of beauty, and finding acceptance of the inevitable changes. Some people take pride and comfort in their experiences, and the life lessons they’ve learned, and come to embrace the new (and maybe improved) version of their younger self. Some people embrace increased fitness and nutritional awareness as a way to retain energy and feel good about their bodies. If you fight it every step of the way, you may accidentally end up looking like someone who is trying way too hard to look way too young, and actually look older in the process. So, you might as well try to evolve your self-concept and your style choices consistently, so you can go through all the decades with your self-esteem intact.
Likewise, break-ups can do major damage to your self-concept, as can a variety other transitions. Even if the break-up was your idea, you may need some time to adjust to being single, instead of part of a couple. But, there is no reason that you need to beat yourself up for the change.
M is devastated and confused. His wife of ten years just told him that she doesn’t want to be married anymore, packed her bags, and drove away from M and their daughter. She said that she loves him and that there is no other man involved, but that being together no longer feels right. M is convinced that her departure is his fault, and he lies awake at night trying to figure out how he screwed up.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, it is because something got in the way. Maybe you are truly incompatible, maybe the timing is off, maybe one of you did something that the other couldn’t accept, maybe one of you fell out of love-there are many possible explanations. If you’re sad about the loss of the relationship, then you need to let yourself grieve that loss. If you did something that you regret that contributed to the end, you may need to figure out why you made that choice (so you don’t repeat it in future relationships), and eventually forgive yourself for making a mistake. The loss of a relationship may be a very difficult and unwanted experience for you, but break-ups are a normal part of life, and should not hurt your self-esteem. You are still lovable, regardless of that particular relationship ending.
Warning: low self-esteem can interfere with good judgment
T’s “best friend” is a nightmare. She pressures T to do things that can result in serious trouble, she gossips about her, she manipulates her and ignores her opinion, and she makes fun of her in front of other “friends.” But, she also invites T to go to parties with her, and gives her good fashion advice (after criticizing her clothes). T is convinced that she is generally unlikeable and uninteresting, that she would never be invited anywhere otherwise, and that her “best friend” is the best she can get. So, she does whatever she needs to do to hold on to the friendship, and doesn’t even consider any other social options.
D is nineteen years old, friendly, smart and very pretty. She sees herself as none of these things, and is inappropriately grateful for all the (negative) attention she gets from men. One night she went on a movie date with A. They had talked for a couple of weeks and he seemed like a nice guy. During the movie, he quickly became aggressively physical with D. She didn’t want him to do that, but she was afraid to hurt his feelings, so she tried to joke it off. He told her to relax and mocked her for trying to watch the movie. When they left, D got in the front seat of the car, but A pulled her to the back. She didn’t want to go there, but, again, was afraid to upset him and lose his attention. She didn’t say yes, and didn’t say no, but allowed him to have sex with her, without any pretense of affection. She didn’t want that either, but also didn't want to create an awkward situation. D's low self-esteem and accompanying desperate desire to please other people rendered her unable to make the good decisions that could have protected her from a bad experience.
If you see yourself as capable, valuable and lovable, you are likely to expect others to treat you that way. However, if you see yourself as inadequate and worthless, you may be likely to expect or accept bad treatment from the people around you. People with truly low self-esteem often feel that they are inconsequential in the world, and that their own happiness and comfort are irrelevant. As a result, they may find themselves in situations where they are mistreated by friends, dates, family, etc, and may interpret these experiences as acceptable, and perceive them as simply reaffirming their own unworthiness.
So, a tragic cycle is created—you feel terrible about yourself, so you accept when other people treat you badly, and then you interpret the experience as proving that you are, after all, not worthy of good treatment. Your standards for people around you get lower and lower, and your self-esteem sinks until it disappears completely.
If this sounds familiar, it’s time to make a change. Think about a recent experience when someone may not have treated you well. Next, think about a good friend or close relative-would it be ok with you if they were in that situation and treated that way? If the answer is “no” for the friend/relative, then it is also not ok for you. Often, people who don’t feel good about themselves are outraged when they imagine someone else being treated in the same way that they accept for themselves. You deserve to expect the same kindness for yourself that you expect for others.
Basic life lessons to help you see yourself more positively (and more accurately)
Do you see yourself as unlovable, inadequate and unworthy in every way? If you do, then your internal “reality” contrasts sharply with your true reality. Ideally, you grew up hearing positive and loving messages about yourself from your parents and other important people in your life. If the messages were reinforced by caring behavior, hopefully, they helped you develop a strong sense of self-esteem.
But, life isn’t always ideal. Maybe you weren’t taught those lessons about your own value as a person. Or, for whatever reason, maybe you didn’t absorb the messages at the time, and haven’t learned them on your own since then. In case you missed them along the way, here are some basic lessons to help you nurture your self-esteem, and learn to feel better about yourself.
You’re precious. You are an inherently valuable and lovable person. You have good qualities and less-good qualities, just like everyone else, but you are always special and always worthy of love and happiness. You should be cherished.You’re not supposed to be perfect. Nobody is great at everything, and perfect in every way. You’re not supposed to be perfect—you’re supposed to be human. Please don’t torture yourself by demanding perfection. It’s an impossible goal.I love you even when you mess up. Because you’re human, you’re going to make mistakes sometimes—little ones and giant ones. It’s ok to be upset with yourself, or regretful or even to feel guilty, but only for a reasonable amount of time. Then, you need to forgive yourself, learn from the mistake, and move on. Your mistakes don’t define you, and shouldn’t control how you feel about yourself for very long. You are still the same precious person.It’s ok that you’re not always happy. Maybe you feel comfortable in the role of the entertainer, making others smile and laugh (possibly without regard to your own true feelings). Or, maybe you grew up in an atmosphere where you were always expected to be “fine,” and not show sadness or anger. It’s normal to experience a range or emotions, and it’s normal to sometimes have unpleasant feelings. You don’t need to be happy all the time, and you don’t need to pretend that you are to people who are close to you.It’s not ok when other people treat you badly. Some people think so little of themselves that they think it’s fine for other people to treat them badly. It’s not. It’s not ok for people to treat you with disrespect, violence, manipulation, threats, cruelty or a variety of other bad behaviors. It’s not ok in personal or professional settings. Even if you’re stuck in a situation where you can’t immediately stop or escape the mistreatment, don’t let yourself start to believe that it’s acceptable. You deserve to be treated with basic human kindness, as does everyone else. Anything less is absolutely not ok.You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to nurture your own physical and emotional health and wellbeing. This means that you need to put yourself somewhere near the top of your priority list. You deserve to take the time and energy necessary to take care of yourself, and to make choices that support health in your life.
There are going to be many times in your life when somebody says something that could potentially hurt your feelings. It may be someone you know and care about, it may be an acquaintance or colleague, or it may be a stranger. In each instance, you get to decide what to consider, and what to ignore.
O took a number at the DMV and was walking to a chair to wait, along with many other people. After she sat down, the woman who had been behind her in line for a number walked by, looked right at O, said “bitch,” and kept on walking. They did not know each other, had not talked in line, and had never had any other interaction.
In O’s story, there was absolutely no basis for the woman’s comment, and it had no connection to any reality about O. This is an obvious example of when to ignore something and not let it touch your self-esteem at all. It’s a more difficult decision if the comment is somehow connected to a real situation. But, you still need to assess whether or not it should be meaningful to you. Here are some questions that may help you decide:
Is the comment made by someone who knows you well, and whose opinion you trust?Does the person who made the comment have accurate and full information about the situation?Is the comment connected to an actual situation or behavior? If not, it may be more about the other person’s nature, or their mood that day, than about you.
If none of the above apply, then you may want to simply ignore the comment. If you decide it’s worth considering, then think about what you want to do next. Would you like to discuss it with the other person? Did she/he give you some useful feedback that you can use for future situations? If you make an active decision about how to deal with negative comments, you will find that you can filter out some of them without giving them any or your time or attention, and then they won’t have a chance to drag down your self-esteem for no reason. You will probably also be less overwhelmed by the comments that you decide to consider, and better able to respond to them productively.
BluebirdPages.com was created to provide accurate and useful information about a variety of personal and interpersonal topics. You can also find stories here about people whose life experiences may be similar to yours. BluebirdPages.com is not psychotherapy. Its goal is to provide information and ideas that can help you find your own power over your own life, and move toward greater happiness, comfort and fulfillment.
Are you your own worst critic? It’s time to stop beating yourself up ~ read more