Dealing with divorce? Here are some fundamental survival skills
Spouses, family, friends, significant others, parents and children ~
read more about common challenges
R and C have been together for five years. They were friends before they were romantically involved. They are both passionate about their shared profession, and the friendship part of the relationship is consistently strong and positive. However, the romantic part is tumultuous, and swings wildly from love to hate. They are both quick to perceive that the other person isn’t appreciating them or respecting them, and they both react quickly and harshly. R tends to throw out hurtful words and storm away, while C tries to continue the battle after her verbal attacks. After the fights, a few days pass, they end up in bed together, and they move forward like nothing happened. Since they never actually discuss or resolve and issues, the same things keep coming up over and over again. Then they explode again, and the cycle continues. They like each other and love each other—except when they hate each other.
P and T met in high school and have been together ever since. They have three children who have each had some struggles, but are all resilient, kind and fun. Overall, the family is remarkably close and loving. But, this closeness led P and T to forget at times that parents are parents, and children are children. Recently, P and T have had some marital difficulties. They are trying to work together to improve their relationship, but, it is getting messy within the family, because both parents discuss their personal adult issues with the children. As a result, the children are upset and feel put in the middle, and family life is more disrupted than it needed to be. P and T will be able to deal with their marital difficulties better if they are able to keep this focus separate, and they will also avoid unnecessary collateral damage to their children from their inappropriate involvement in adult issues.
A and N worked together for years before they became involved, and have many shared friends and colleagues. They have both been divorced before, and were embraced by each other’s grown children and families. Over the past few months, it has become undeniably clear that A has been living a double life for a long time. He has been spending huge amounts of time, energy and money pursuing sexual encounters online and in-person. N ended the relationship, but still needs to see him professionally. This creates a very difficult situation for her. It turns out that A is quite good at manipulation and deceit, and it is sometimes difficult for N to resist the lure of his smooth attempts to win her back (while continuing his other life as well).
Your life is full of relationships—professional, social, romantic and family. These relationships exist across a spectrum. Sometimes, they can be absolutely fabulous, enriching your life and contributing to your personal well-being. Or, they can be totally toxic, chipping away at many areas of your life, and contributing nothing but stress and unhappiness. Many relationships lie somewhere in between these extremes and are generally good, but could use some tweaking. The information in these sections can help you figure out what’s going on in your relationships and how you can make them better. Though you cannot change the other person, you contribute and control fifty percent of the relationship. If you make a change in your part, the dynamics between the two of you are likely to change in response.
Spouses, family, friends, significant others, parents and children ~ read more about common challenges
Communication essentials ~ It’s ok to fight, but do it right
It is totally normal to argue in close relationships. No matter how much you love each other, you are still two distinct people, with different experiences and different perspectives, and sometimes you’re going to disagree. Arguing isn’t the problem and, in fact, it can help you understand each other better, feel heard and respected, and ultimately grow closer if it’s done well. If it’s done the wrong way, fighting can cause major damage to the relationship and the participants. Here are some ideas to help your arguments be more productive and less destructive:
Timing ~ If you want to discuss something that may cause a disagreement, pick your time carefully. Does your partner/family member hate the mornings? Does she/he count on time to relax after coming home at the end of the day? Is she/he under a deadline to get something finished? Think about the other person and what time of day and setting may present the best opportunity for conversation.
Translations ~ It’s very possible that the two of you speak different languages when it comes to relationship issues. The most classic example is that one person may be very verbal, and express their feeling with words (eg, “I love you”), and the other may speak more with their actions (eg, making coffee every morning just the way you like it). It’s important in any communication, and especially during an argument, to make sure each person is truly understanding what the other is saying. If you’re not sure if you’re getting it, you can always ask for clarification (eg, “Do you mean…….?”) This may take patience, multiple attempts, and open-mindedness, but it will benefit the relationship if you can each learn to interpret each other’s language.
Fair fighting ~ If it isn’t acceptable behavior on an elementary school playground, it also isn’t acceptable in your relationship. So, no name-calling, no mimicking, no eye-rolling, no threatening, or anything else that accomplishes nothing, and is just mean and disrespectful. These behaviors will cause lots of hurt and anger, and make it more difficult to rebound back from a fight without resentment. Also, it will work best if you focus on the actual issue, and not stray into blame and character assassination. Focus on the topic and how you feel, and avoid making global statements about the other person’s negative qualities. For example, “I’m upset that you said you’d be home by 5:00, but you were much later and didn’t call,” is better than, “you’re always late and you’re irresponsible and selfish.” The second option is more likely to cause the other person to get defensive, and make it much more difficult to have a satisfying discussion.
Take a break ~ If the argument is escalating, or you feel like you're going around in circles, try taking a break. This is not the same as stomping out of the room and slamming the door. Taking a break is an active and positive effort to calm down the fight, and to try again later. The essential elements are: (1) say that you would like to take a break, (2) suggest a time to try again (eg, in ten minutes, tomorrow afternoon, etc), and (3) leave the area calmly and without door slamming. This way, you’re trying to do something helpful, you’re preventing the fight from getting worse, and you’re committing that the issue won’t be ignored.
Are your boundaries too loose, too tight, or just right?
This question can help explain what’s causing difficulties in some relationships, especially within families and professional settings. The boundaries of a relationship describe the type and extent of information sharing and emotional involvement between the participants. For the relationship to flourish, the boundaries need to be balanced according to the needs of each particular relationship. If they are too tight, the participants may be too disconnected, and if they are too loose, enmeshment can result. Either way causes problems.
The nature of the relationship often dictates the boundaries. In a professional setting, hierarchal structure and office atmosphere control. While conversation about work issues needs to flow, too much disclosure and discussion of personal issues may be inappropriate at work, or at least with certain colleagues/supervisors. Then again, certain professional settings encourage “bonding” among peers. Even so, bonding with your colleague should probably look different than bonding with your former college roommate.
The most common pitfall in family relationships is that certain boundaries become too blurred, and unhealthy family dynamics result. Specifically, parents and children need to act like parents and children, at least until the children are grown-up. It’s great for children to feel really close to mom or dad, and to feel comfortable talking to a parent about personal things. But, this is not the same as a child and a parent being “best friends,” which can cause big problems. Even as teenagers, children need parenting, including some sort of structure and consistency in which there is a distinction between their roles. The particulars of the boundaries will vary, depending on each particular family, and will be different from when the child was younger, but still need to exist.
Another important consideration is that parental/marital issues need to be addressed separately (and out of earshot) from the children. Children don’t have the capability or the responsibility for dealing with adult concerns. Family relationships work best when the boundaries are loose enough to allow for communication and emotional attachment, but tight enough to avoid unhealthy overlap, especially between parents and children.
Is it religion, having children, living with mom, smoking, cross-dressing, infidelity …?
Most people have an issue (or several) that could end the relationship. These deal-breakers tend to come up especially when couples are deciding whether or not to take their relationship to the next step, or if one person changes her/his mind about something previously determined. For example, if a young couple discusses having children, and then one of the partners decides she/he doesn’t want to be a parent, the other partner has to make a big decision. Is having children important enough to end the relationship? To make this life-changing decision, you need to know what issues are deal-breakers for you.
H and L met in high school and married after college. Early in the relationship, they agreed that neither of them wanted to have children. Eight years later, H changed his mind. They went to couples counseling for months to figure out what to do next, and to consider whether L would change her mind, too. She did not, and H said that it was a deal-breaker for him. So, with great sadness, two people who thought that they would be never be apart, decided to divorce.
C and K had both had children before. They had casually mentioned having a child together earlier in their relationship. When they moved in together, some challenges arose with their current children. Partly for this reason, and partly for others, K decided that he was not comfortable having another child. C still wanted a baby very much. They had many sad and angry conversations about this topic, and neither person changed their perspective. Though she is still working on being truly ok about this decision, C is staying in the relationship and remaining committed to their life together. For her, having another child is very important, but not a deal-breaker.
Deal-breakers are entirely personal, and there is no right or wrong. You, and only you, get to decide what to put in this category of absolute importance. Your decision may change over time. For example, your religion may become increasingly important to you at some point in your life, and it may become a deal-breaker when it didn’t matter previously. Or, you may be unwavering in your perspective, and have consistent clarity. Either way, it is essential that partners, or potential partners, be honest with themself, and with each other, about their own particular deal-breaker issues in order to avoid long-term pain and problems.
Does it need to end? Abuse and other unacceptable things
No matter what, it is not ok for anyone to abuse you—physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally. You may think it’s ok, and you may think it’s your fault (because that is what people who are in abusive relationships often think), but you’re wrong. You may be partly responsible for difficulties in the relationship, but that is NOT the same as being responsible for someone else’s cruel behavior. And, it is NOT a justification for cruelty.
Here is an illustration: If I return home and find that my dog peed on the floor, it’s normal that I may be frustrated, upset or angry. It’s ok if I appropriately reprimand my dog. It is NOT ok if I pick up a brick and smash her on the head with it. Sometimes people in abusive relationships are appalled by that example of animal cruelty, but talk themselves into accepting similar abuse inflicted on them by a “loved one.”
The most extreme physical and sexual abuse are obvious examples. Emotional and verbal abuse are also very destructive and painful, with possible far-reaching effects. They can contribute to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, eating disorders, self-harm, poor judgment in other relationships, and a variety of other difficulties. So, don’t think you’re overreacting just because you don’t have bruises. Here are a few examples of other types of unacceptable behaviors:
It’s not ok if your partner yells and curses you, and calls you vile names.It’s not ok if your partner insists on doing things sexually that are objectionable and humiliating to you.It’s not ok if your partner demeans you, insults you and cruelly blames you for his/her terrible behavior.It’s not ok if your partner is possessive and controlling, andIt’s not ok if you partner manipulates your emotions, and ignores your words and feelings.
If any of these things are familiar to you, it’s time to think about ending the relationship. Because of the compelling and confusing nature of the cycle of abusive behavior, it can be very difficult to break free. If may be helpful to talk to a therapist, support group or physician for guidance. If you are going through this, now is the time to lean on your (supportive) friends and family, and let them help you.
Dealing with divorce? Here are some fundamental survival skills
If you are divorcing or divorced, you are certainly not alone. But, that doesn’t make it any easier. You have had to go through an impersonal legal process, divide things that you thought you would share forever, and, if you have children, figure out how to be parents together in a new way.
If you do not have children together, you can structure your new relationship however you want, from remaining friends to never seeing each other again. If you do have children, it is more complicated, since you are connected through them forever.
Telling the children ~ If you’re at the beginning of the process and planning to tell your children about the divorce, it’s important to tell them that it is a grown-up decision, and has nothing to do with them. It is best not to mention any recent fighting between mom and dad as a reason (“We’ve been fighting a lot lately”), because children should not be taught that fighting ends relationships, or they may become afraid to argue or speak their mind. There is no need for your children to know anything about the details of the reasons for your divorce. If you feel you were wronged, it may be tempting to share your story with them, but that would probably be hurtful to them in moving forward with healthy family dynamics. It is best to give your children certainty, and not leave a door open for reunification (“you never know, maybe we’ll get back together someday”). Certainty will ultimately help them accept the divorce and lessen their reunification fantasy (which many children have at some point, regardless of what their parents say). The most important thing that your children need to know in this circumstance is that you will both always be their parents and will always love them.
Communication ~ In most situations, you need to be able to communicate with the other parent. You do not need to be their friend. If you have trouble getting along, try thinking of it as a business relationship. You need to share important information, be respectful, and follow-through on your commitments. That is the minimum that your children need from you. If talking in person or by phone is too difficult, try email. That way, you can think about it carefully before you send something, and think again before you reply.
Dating again ~ When you’re ready, you may want to start dating again. There is no right or wrong for the timing of this—you may be ready right away, or it may take a long time. It is an entirely personal decision. Besides taking care of yourself and making good decisions about who, what, when and where, you also need to take care of your children’s needs. Since they recently experienced the loss of their familiar family structure, you need to protect them from more losses. For example, what if you introduce your new significant other to your children, and they really like her/him, and then you break up? Your children just lost someone that was positive in their lives. So, in general, it’s best to wait until you are really, really sure that this is the one, before you involve your new partner in your children’s lives.
Self-care ~ There is no way around it—even in the best situation, divorce is difficult and draining. So, you need to take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat well, and make sure you have some fun. This is also a time to reach out to (supportive) family and friends, and let them be there for you.
Dealing with divorce? Here are some fundamental survival skills
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Spouses, family, friends, significant others, parents and children ~ read more about common challenges